Like me or not, it’s up to you

The feeling of finally finding yourself and being who you actually are, is wonderful. I have always been there for people, put myself behind everyone else and every year that passed in my life I have become smaller and smaller as person till one day when I found myself as no one and had no idea how I end up like that. I was in a relationship where the man without understanding pushed me down and I believed in it. I turned out worthless and that’s not who I had been before and my body reacted because it knew that this wasn’t who I was or actually am somewhere deep inside of me. I fainted and lost my memory and had to do something to stop this. To come back. I left the relationship and met a man that completely changed the thought of myself and helped me become the one I once lost. In one year he has worked so hard and sometimes I can’t believe what he is saying at all but most of the time I actually do and every time I do I grow even more as a person. Tony I’m so thankful to you, that you knew and remembered the old me and took me back. Without you I don’t think I would have survived.

You don’t have to like me, but I worked really hard to become someone and to like myself. I’m so happy and feel so good because I feel that I have a value now. I’m sorry if I’m not who you want me to be, someone always being there, someone who want to hear about all your problems, someone just accepting the nagging and put it away inside of me later. No, actually I’m not sorry. I’m SO relieved! I’m strong and I have always been. I will not come back to that worthless person. I’m a strong woman now and you should respect it. Like me or not, it’s up to you.

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~WITH LOVE * Alva~

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He left, to come back

Today it’s almost exactly one month since I last time post anything here. Last time I wrote I wrote about how close I could feel Tony even though he was in Lebanon. Now he is not. He is not in Lebanon and not in Sweden. He is on his way back home to Lebanon and I am so sad. I feel so heavy from inside and my heart hurts so much. I’m afraid of going to bed tonight, I’m used to have him there by my side. I have so much inside of me right now, so many feelings, so much love but it really hurts. I have been trying for almost three hours to write a good post but I can’t get anything out of me. I’m so sad. Tony means everything to me and I really need him to feel good. I hope his flight is going well. He will arrive to Istanbul after like 15 minutes and wait there till midnight when he will keep the flight to Lebanon. OH (!) now I’m smiling. Smiling and crying at the same time. They are showing an advertisement on TV where they put the song Don’t stop me now by Queens and it makes me think of Tony. We had so much fun with this song when he was here. Gosh how much I miss him!! I will stop this post here with a smile on my face. Tony, I love you SO much!

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~WITH LOVE * Alva~

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He is still here

I love this small details that reminds me of that Tony has been here with me. I find him everyday at different places – clothes he left, his shower gel and deodorant, notes or like this photos.. candies he taste and put back  😀

 

 

~WITH LOVE * Alva~

POFF! One woman down…

Today is one of this weird working days I have. Some days every week I work 90 minutes in the morning and come back at 1 a’clock and stay till 4.30 PM. It’s weird yes I know but it’s good, I like it. I talked about dressing cozy in the morning and on my way home I take a longer walk instead of the 10 minutes it use to take to walk home, and when I get home I eat a good cozy breakfast and do something good about this. This morning before I left work a colleague asked me how it’s going with my walks and I answered that I didn’t start yet. And now I regret it. Not my answer but that I didn’t start with my walks because when I was almost home with my bike I slipped on ice and POFF I was laying on the road. I can’t remember last time I cried because of pain but after that fall I cried for 40 minutes. I’m very happy I was close to home because that 100 meters was not fun at all. I tried to be strong but as soon as I parked my bike I broke down and couldn’t stop cry. Tony called me as soon as he heard that I was hurt and we talked for a while I ate breakfast. I made some calls about Tony’s ticket before I went to bed to sleep for an hour. Now going back to work. Walking!

 

~WITH LOVE * Alva~

Mysifer

 

~WITH LOVE * Alva~

My very own Christmas tree

Finally it’s done! Long time ago I showed Tony a craft I really wanted to make one day and that day was tonight. We have bought things for it a bit now and then and I started with it yesterday and finished it tonight. I’m almost completely happy with it. Some small things could have made it better but I will save it for next time I do something similar. After all I’m happy with it and I love having at least one Christmas decoration in my room.

 

Now I’m longing for Christmas. Or actually the time and everything till Christmas and we are right there. I LOVE this time of the year! With snow and my man here with me everything would be perfect ❤

~WITH LOVE * Alva~

Was it only a dream?

Did I just wake up from a long wonderful dream or what is happening?? I came home from work and here is so silent, so lonely. Last time I got home from work Tony was here and welcomed me with hugs and kisses. Or at least that’s what I think. It feels so unreal but thanks to all small details he left behind I understand that this dream I talked about actually was reality and I have had (again!) the best days of my life. Every time we leave each other we say that it was the best time of our lives and really it’s true, we just become better and better and I can’t believe I am this happy. I feel so insanely good. Tony is the best ever happened to me. My far away best friend became mine and we have now been engaged for over 9 months. It’s crazy!!

Tony left Linköping at 9:50 this morning. The bus left 5 minutes later than it supposed and it gave me extra time to look at him and send him kisses. Sometimes a few minutes means a lot. He left Sweden one and half hour ago and I can’t take him out of my head. He occupied both my heart and head and he is SO welcome! Tony I’m so in love with you!!

 

Good I have photos as prof that you have been here ❤

~WITH LOVE * Alva~

I can’t wait!

Today but 9 months ago I was at my first visit with Tony. He cooked pasta and shrimps for us and later while watching Frozen we made this candy man. What I didn’t know this day was that 5 days later I was going to get a ring from my man to wear for the rest of my life as a prof of our love.

Today when I write this it’s exactly 5 days till Tony is coming to Sweden for his first time. It’s for sure not his last and I am SO excited about having him here. I feel so good and happy about being able to show him my country, my town, places that means extra much for me, eating our food as I nagged about so much in Lebanon and I am especially happy that I will introduce him to my family, and my family to him. So at Saturday morning I’m leaving to Stockholm to meet my beloved man again. I can’t wait!! ^^

 

~WITH LOVE * Alva~

Option to a need

Tonight Tony said something as I completely take from that subject to an other. Options to a need. Tony was my option once. He was a difficult but correct and wonderful option. He changed my life. To the better. And the last year (s) he has been my need. I’m so happy and proud that we decided to follow our feelings and work on our relationship. I am falling deeper in love every day that pass. And actually also every night. When I wake up in the morning I have always stronger feelings for him than when I fell asleep. And when I go to bed they are always stronger than when I woke up. Tony is my need. I need him. I need him to feel safe, to be myself, to be happy, proud of myself, to have self confidence and like who I am, to not be afraid of my future, to smile from inside, to sleep well, to survive my days, to get inspiration.. I need him for so many reasons. And of course I also want him very very much! We are so real. He turned from an option to a need and it’s the best he ever done! I’m SO in love! ❤

 

~WITH LOVE * Alva~

My love is home ^^

I’m so incredibly happy! The meaning of my life is back home. Finally we can go to bed together again and talk about our days passing at the same time. This 10 days has been the longest in my life and once again I realized how deep in love I am with Tony and that he really is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is my life!

I’m longing to talk to him tonight. To fall asleep by his words. I mean.. I hope I wont fall asleep while talking but right after. I sleep so good when he is with me. I have spent some hours with him on cam tonight and just took a getting-ready-for-bed break but I already miss him a lot!! Tony you are the best ever happened to me. I’m more than happy that you are home again, and I’m so in love with you. So so SO deep in love! ❤

Goodnight my man.
Talk to you soon ^^

 

~WITH LOVE * Tony’s Alva~